


We All Have Secrets: A Redux

by AlwaysPage394



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Caring, Cutting, Desperation, F/M, Hufflepuff, Mentor Severus Snape, Omorashi, Self-Harm, Severus Snape Has a Heart, Slytherin, Teacher-Student Relationship, Wet Clothing, Wetting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-11
Updated: 2019-08-17
Packaged: 2020-06-26 08:42:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19764604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlwaysPage394/pseuds/AlwaysPage394
Summary: WARNING: This story contains descriptions of self-harm and surrounding topics. If you are sensitive to these issues please take care, search for help and or do not read this. Thank you.A troubled student trapped in a vortex of pleasure and pain finds solace, comfort and support in her most desired professor after learning she may not be the only one to indulge.





	1. Alice in Blunderland

**Author's Note:**

> I found this fiction on here after posting it in 2015. I reread it and decided that I would do a little rewrite following the same sort of theme just trying to make the writing better and the story flow a little better and hopefully make it a bit longer. So, here's part one and hopefully part 2 will follow in a day or so Thanks!

A regular Thursday, or so it seemed. I had managed to drag my weary brain and body to potions class on this dreary morning. I wouldn't have usually gone when I feel the way I do, but if i'm being totally honest with myself i'm too much of a wimp to not show up for Professor Snape for more than one reason. Firstly, that dude is scary, have you seen him? What if today is the day he might just come looking for me if I don't show up? Secondly, I have to admit, theres something about that man. I can't quite explain it and i'm not even sure theres a word for it but I feel connected to him, drawn to him somehow. Like I can't possibly pass up an opportunity to be near him, I want him to know who I am and I want him to understand me. Dont get me wrong I push those feelings down. So far down infact that point number one was far winning out this morning.

I meandered the damp dungeon corridors from my common room towards the potions classroom trying to keep my mind in line and grounded. My thoughts kept drifting round in unidentified circles round and round memories and fantasies, who knows what's actually real anymore. Personally, I call this the Alice in wonderland stage. Falling and falling, nowhere to go just spinning and spiralling into the inevitable deep dark depths of who knows where. This is more professionally known asdissociation. Usually, when I end up here there's two things I can do to keep me grounded and today I was sure I might just treat myself to both. Let's not get ahead of ourselves here, I'm not exactly ready to say these things out loud just yet I mean they're not exactly normal or acceptable behaviours for an eighteen year old girl.

Anyway, I sat in potions class amidst the hustle and bustle of noisy students. I took my usual spot in the back left hand corner of the room, perfect for becoming the invisible student, and pretended to look interested in what was going on in the lesson. The minutes dragged on slowly as I sat behind my desk with my chin rested upon my hands stating blankly towards the enigma of a man at the front of the room. My thoughts drifted again as sound felt like it was drowned out by the silence and swirling in my mind. I have to pee. Well that's the first more certain though I've had all day so we can thank Merlin for that. To heck with it, I took that solid thought and ran with it. That became my focus, i sat there bouncing my pale knees underneath the desk as I fixated upon my need to pee. That's when I noticed, I snapped back into reality for just a moment. Every now and then it seemed as though Snape werelooking over directly to me. Just small quick glances which deep down contained a hint of intrigue and concern. I realised that my legs were bouncing quite a lot under the table and I had started to grind slightly into the wooden bench as my desperation increased which had caused my skirt to slip up my thighs ever so slightly. For anyone wondering that's definitely not a good thing which made sense of the glances of concern. I looked up with apprehension at the figure to the front of the room and my gaze was met with dark eyes now almost staring at me intently. There goes the ever so slight chance that he was just giving causal eye contact across the room, he was absolutely looking at me. Oh god he knew. I'm not thick and neither is he, he knows, he knows the two things even I'm afraid to say out loud and hes going to want to pull this thread until he reaches a satisfying conclusion to this story I just know it. In that moment of panic I let out a small bit of pee. Just the smallest bit but it caused me to still instantly. It didn't go unnoticed either, yet again he knew. Of course I would find myself the most interested in the professor that would realise what was going on. Deep down though it was almost a relief. Realising for the first time that there might just actually be someone out there who knows what I'm doing and isn't running away already. That's most unheard of, buthow am I supposed to bring this one up? It's hardly a casual student teacher chat.

The class ended. Finally I could go back to bed, not without making a quick stop at the bathroom on the way. My bladder ached as I went to pack my things away and stand up I begged that I could without a show. "Miss Melody, please stay behind." Great. He really knew. I slowly packed my books away and slipped my wand back into my robes while I waited for the other students to file out of the classroom as fast as they dared. Once there was silence in the room I raised my head and saw my professor. He was sat at his dest hands clasped and rested on the desk in front of him. "Miss Melody, I do not wish to alarm you but there are some things I have not failed to notice that have caused me to question your wellbeing. Is there anything as your professor that I need be concerned about?" "No professor, I'm fine." Weak answer. I know it's not exactly convincing anybody but what am Isupposed to say in an ambush situation like this? Okay you got me, I have an answer prepared in my head where I want to spill my thoughts and feelings out in a gush to the man in front of me but for some reason thos words just wont come out and I revert back to the same old lie. "You remain a terrible liar Melody. But I will be keeping a close eye on you. If you feel there is anything you wish to tell me, you know where to find me" he raised an eyebrow as he stood there watching me wriggle. I still had to pee so I tried to end the conversation by nodding and standing quickly trying to leave the room as casually as I could at that point in time. I made my way to the bathroom, all be it very slowly spurting piss into my underwear the entire way, thoughts still confusedly racing. God this is frustrating, he knows so why is he not pushing for answers? Of course hes not pushing for answers because he doesn't know that's what you want. See this is the part I find the worst. The tug of war between wanting to talk but not knowing how to start the conversation. I yearn forsomeone to take the pressure away and just tell me that they know and everything is okay. But time and time again here we are: stalemate. Finally I could pee, a close call, just a preview of what was to come for me that day and i was honestly looking forward to it. 

I spent the rest of the day in bed just laying there thinking about what had happened earlier that morning and prepping for the events of the evening. The time had to bejust right. As the last of the students in the dorm drifted to sleep, I rose slowly from my own bed, slipped on a hoodie and sweatpants and made my way silently out of the room. It was time, everything crashed all at once. I felt tears start to fall and mystomach was full with the heavy feeling that needed to be there. So I made my way out of the hufflepuff common room and I ran. I ran through corridors as tears streamed down my cheeks in a race between my body and my emotions.

I found it. My room. I'll explain how I found it later but I'm running out of time and i need to get on with this without anyone seeing what I'm about to do. Merlin I'm disgusting. These thoughts only make me cry more as I push the door open and try to slam it behind me. As soon as the door is closed my facade of control melted away and I snapped my legs crossed as tight as they would go, still crying. I pushed my hand into my crotch as I tried to keep my need to pee at bay for just a Little bit longer. I edged towards the back of the room with my legs still crossed with each step beforeplonking down onto an old mustard yellow armchair in the back corner of the room. Once I sat down I wriggled my bum into the seat trying to get the pressure that I craved from underneath me just to keep my urine inside. Oh god it hurt but I needed to hurt that was the whole point. Oh yeah, shameful thing number one, holding my pee till it hurts and shamelessly wetting my pants. My hand rubbed circles into myself as I was grinding my hips into the chair as I felt the first spurt escape spreading ever so slightly glistening onto my underwear. It was time. I pulled my black joggers down to my knees leaving my pale pink underwear with a less pale stain on them exposed. Not exactly my classiest look but hey who's got the time to think about that in the middle of a downwards emotional spiral. I used my free hand to pull a small box out of my hoodie pocket. Inside there was shame secret number two. A silver shining razor blade that had been recently ejected from a safety razor. Ding ding ding got it in one: cutting. I held the blade in my right hand poised above the skin on my right thigh ready to engage in a rush of emotion leaving my body. Then I felt it coming and let it happen. My bladder pulsed hard with need causing me to start spurting into my underwear and onto the chair. With each new stream I dug the blade as deep as into my skin as I dared dragging it across my skin in a row of deep red lines. All at once my pent up pee and the cursed blood of my body left me in an exhilarating expulsion of control. The feeling of piss spraying out of me and the beads of bloody dripping down my legs was the excessive sensory grounding I needed to get me back on track. I breathed heavily while I finished peeing and allowed my wounds to bleed freely for a while. My tears were dried up but replaced by my wet pants and chair. Then I heard it. Footsteps.

Shit shit shit what was I going to do there was no time? Okay, maybe it's one of theghosts? Maybe someones just walking past? Maybe they wont come into the room? I started to panic but there was no time there was nothing I could do when... "Melody?" In that second it didn't matter how wet I was or how much pain I was in I pulled my joggers up as quickly as I could and tried to hide my shame. I already knew by the voice but I raised my head just to confirm that the man in the doorway was who I expected, well, hoped it would be. He seemed different to usual. He slowly stepped into the room and closed the door behind him never once breaking eye contact with me. He cautiously stepped towards me before reaching out. I felt his large cold hand lift my chin "Professor I... i can" I couldn'tspeak. I was terrified. Nobody had ever seen me like this before. "I know. You dont need to explain. I know" He was so calm and soft I'd never known him to be like this. I felt myself beginning to tear up again so I naturally lowered my head down again. Wait is that? No it cant be can it? Okay in a strange way I'm pretty sure that my Professor Snape has liked at least some part of what he has just seen? "Look, you dont need to talk to me immediately Melody, but I wont let this go not now I'm sure of what is going on here. See me tomorrow after dinner. My office." "B...but I.. i just" "no arguments." I nodded silently. He knew I was going to turn up so he didn't have to say anything more. Of course I would turn up. He made to leave the room but right before doing so he made one small action, which not only shocked me but gave me just enough comfort so that I knew he understood. As he turned to leave he raised his hand to me once more and placed it gently on my shoulder, but this time he let his dark robes and jacket slidedown ever so slightly, only an inch or so down his forearm revealing a multitude of silver lines. In that unspoken moment of understanding there was a lot of calm. I was still Alice, but this time I wasn't falling. And just like that, he was gone. 


	2. Panic

Chapter 2 - Panic

I spent the whole next day stewing about what I had seen and heard the night before. Honestly I'm still not sure if it's actually real or if I have just imagined it completely. The entire situation kept running circles in my head which had we all know is hardly my favourite thing in the world since the whole thing brings about enough shame and embarrassment without the added pressure of snape being involved. Okay, okay maybe all I have to do is pretend that I have no idea what happened? Or that I was under a curse? Or maybe I'll get there and he wont have a clue what's going on and I could live happily in the sense that it was all just a bad dream after all.

As the hours ticked by the nerves in my stomach grew stronger and stronger making me feel really sick. Then it was time to head down to the potion masters office. Merlin I feel so sick I do not want to do this. Each step I took to his office was slow as I tried to prolong the inevitable despite the fact that I was sufficiently early or should I say tragically on time. I was stood facing the big black door of snapes office and I couldn't bring myself to knock. Merlin I probably should've gone to the toilet before I got here. Maybe I could go now? Or maybe not.

I tentatively raised my hand about to knock on the door when it swiftly opened in front of me before my knuckles could make contact with the old wood. How did he do it? How did he always just know things? Did he know I'd been stood out here like a dick for at least 5 minutes? "Melody. Sit." Fantastc. Okay so this was definitely real and thank Merlin he was keeping up his reputation as a man of very few words. The butterflies in my stomach were going crazy I didn't know if I was going to vomit or straight up pee my pants. Neither of which are great options for me right now, so I sat in the dark wooden chair that was placed at his desk. He drifted past me and sat in his own black leather desk chair opposite me. "Right Miss Melody, I will not tiptoe around this situation as I feel that this will not be helpful for you. Instead, I will be asking you a variety of questions and I expect you to answer them as honestly as you are able. If you feel uncomfortable or unable to answer these questions I will instead give you an opportunity to write an answer down." It felt like every other meeting that has ever been had between a professor and a struggling student and he was saying all the right things. Could he read my mind? What am I saying of course he probably could hes snape isn't he. I nodded my head and awaited a battering of awkward and hard to answer questions.

"Right. Is this the first time this has happened here at Hogwarts?"

"No professor."

"How many times melody?" "I erm I dont know sir"

"what do you mean tou dont know?"

"I lost count sir"

He hung his head down and sighed slightly I dont know if he was disappointed or hurt.

"Is it always about the self-harm?"

"Yes professor"

"and... the accident? Was that a one off?"

I went to open my mouth and reply but no sound came out. I cant exactly sit here and be like oh yeah professor it feels amazing to be desperate to pee and then even better to wet myself like a helpless toddler. But I couldn't stop myself shaking my head. I couldn't look at him I didn't want to see his face when he realised what I was really saying.

"Would that be a no it's not about the accident or no it's not a one off?"

Merlin he was really trying to get me to say this out loud wasn't he. Still, my stomach was caught between terrified butterflies and the excitement that if I could just bring myself to say it, I might just have someone to share this with. I also still needed a wee.

"Its erm not a one off sir."

He rose from his position behind the desk and moved towards me. I could tell he wasn't used to being on let's say the softer side, so this was definitely just as awkward for him as it was for me. He went to put a reassuring hand on my forearm but out of complete instinct I flinched away. He let his hand drop and sighed. "Are you hurt?" He wasn't looking at me and I couldn't bring myself to look at him. I felt like I was going to cry. I cant cry, not now not in front of snape. Time to be a big girl. "No" I don't think I've ever spoken so quietly in my life. What a loser here I am trying to convince this man that all is good and nothing to be worried about but I'm absolutely betraying myself here. He slowly reached up again but this time lifted my sleeve revealing a myriad of fresh cuts and burns. Oh god nobody's ever seen this before and now its snape? This is all happening very very fast. Yesterday he barely knew my name and now hes seeing things about me nobody ever has before. I dont know what to do. What do I even say? My thoughts raced, I couldn't look at him I raised my head and stared at the ceiling breathing heavily to stop myself from crying but the tears were still falling. He took out his wand and pointed it towards the massacre on my body silently whispering immediately clearing my skin. Wait hang on a minute. That's clear. Wait. I dont want it to be clear I want to be able to see it. I dont want it to be gone. I want more. I need more. They cant be gone. I started to panic, I couldn't breathe. Merlin, stop crying. Stop crying you idiot. I was screaming and crying. I'm hurting, I'm hurting so much right now and i just need to hurt. I caught a glimpse of my professor he realised what he had done I'm sure of it I saw it in his eyes. He knew what i wanted but he wasn't willing to put it back. "Shhhh, shhh you dont need it, you do not need it" he didnt try to make another reassuring move again, it was too soon for that, but his voice was enough " I need it please I need it please I cant." I was yelling, what an idiot. How sad is this I cant do anything but break down for the man I admire.

Why do I always do this I get close to people too quick and it becomes our relationship. Every thought, every conversation, every memory becomes connected to my messed up actions and I dont want it anymore but I just cant help myself. I want people to know because I dont want to be like this anymore but I also want to carry on because I like to see what it leaves behind I want to be a mess.

The panic continued. Then I leaked. Shit I had to pee I totally forgot, crying had almost forced it out of me what a doughnut almost weeing in front of snape for the second time in two days. I've never been so still so quickly in my life. I gripped the sides of the chair immediately silenced and focused on not pissing my pants right there. "Melody? Melody what's happened?" I know he was concerned but here I go, a selfish person yet again. Without second thought i stood up. I really have to pee right now and if I stay here no matter what's going on I'm gonna have an accident. "I have.. professor I have to go, please let me go" I stood up and made for the door I was starting to cry again. Was it from pure terror or how much my bladder hurt? Who knows maybe a bit of both just for my troubles. "I apologise Miss Melody but I cannot let you leave this room in this state just in case anything were to happen.." I cut him off, frantic. "No sir please, you dont realise I need to.. i have to.. I'm gonna" Breathless, panicking, crying. I started to pee. No no no no no no no. Not happening. I kept leaking I was trying so hard to stop it when all of a sudden a really quick gush escaped me. I yelled "NO." Why was I yelling? It couldn't help me now. I saw him still from across the room when he realised. There was nothing he could do either. There I was leant against his office door helplessly and completely pissing my knickers for him to see.


End file.
